Ya. Like, once before, actually. I think I started this blog a LONG time ago with the hope that it would give me something to focus my big energies on during my healing time. I had big dreams and goals to shine- to glow so brightly that id lightup the lives of everyone I ever encountered. And then I lost my head... forgot my passwords... forgot who i truly am... and then it became more difficult to write- for several reasons... But i did keep one important thing floating around in the back of my mind:
After an accident where a bus hit my car, I was instructed to do no lifting, twisting or physical activity besides very gentle things (walking, very careful restorative yoga, swimming- and that's about it...) I sustained internal injuries to my spinal area at several different levels, and I still to this day don't necessarily know exactly what they all mean, besides a lot of pain which was never there before.
If you know me (since anytime before the accident), you know I LOVE to be active, I love to feel great and feel beautiful, inside and out! I love nature, I love being outside- at a park or a beach or a forrest or wherever- enjoying it all. And I have (well, had) a TON of energy, and i was up for almost anything whether it was aerial yoga or kayaking, surfing or skating. I was an adventurous world traveler who LOVED the idea of hopping on a plane to almost anywhere, and walking the streets of a new city, thriving on those new experiences. I had no idea that my life path would take such a detour. And while a few months ago, I would have told you that "I've seen better days" when you greeted me with a standard "how are you?", I can now say I've found some new hope and that I am certain this detour was all part of a master plan (albeit one I completely didn't recognize until recently.)
A lot has changed since the accident and the events surrounding it, and it hasn't been all pretty. While I'm normally the first to stand up and say "Let's be positive! Let's find the good in this situation!", I quickly found my high spirits sinking, and even I found people who said those things to me seeming to be increasingly annoying. I found I quickly lost a lot of friends (who as it seems, turned out not to be friends at all, really...) because all of our social and work-related-social activities revolved around physical activity and beauty, around wearing heels and looking killer, going out partying hard after working out. I grew more and more depressed at what I was(n't) able to do, to wear, to be, and to fit into, and worst of all to relate and converse about. Most of my friends tried, but eventually most of my relationships eventually... well, died.
I did get to experience some wonderful things, people, places and healing modalities I don't think I would have ever encountered if not for my accident. They weren't all-good, though, but they also weren't all bad. They tested my faith and helped me become strong in setting boundaries that I am comfortable with. They helped me realize that I am the inly one ultimately in charge of my health, and all options are available to me (even though it did not exactly seem like it at times). And they somehow sustained me through it all with just enough hope to get by. And I did. And I am. Sometimes, I even forgot about my pain for enough moments in a row that i experienced enjoyment again. And if you knew how low I'd felt at times, and how much pain I felt, you'd know that those joyful moments were a huge deal to me. But if go back and forth, and the lows became seemingly unbearable. Some days I didn't want to even get out of bed at all.
I was becoming a bit of a hermit, discouraged and scared... and that "fuck you monday" attitude seemed to drag right on through the week and even into the weekend. I heard myself asking more often than not "what's the point?" Which also was very scary for me. I know we all probably feel like this sometimes, but when I couldn't shake it off, when I couldn't even sit still for five minutes to meditate because of the horrid pain, when I couldn't get comfortable no matter how I lauded or sat or stood, I began to think I might just have to accept living my life in pain. And I didn't understand it. I believed there just had to be a metaphysical reasoning behind all of this pain, and couldn't fathom why all the spiritual work I'd done and was still doing wasn't helping me out of this situation. From inside of it all, i just felt hurt, and sad. I even wondered if I was being punished, silly as that sounds. I went through the greatest spectrum of emotions to finally arrive where I can write this today.
Once the mark of my two year anniversary of the accident came rolling around, I realized that all of the trippy-dippy-hippy all-natural-ONLY formulas I'd accepted for my own treatment were just not improving things. It was in this way that i learned about balance, acceptance, allowance- and not just learned it intellectually, but practically- by my own experiences. Balance wasn't just about standing perfectly still in tree pose with a smile anymore. One of my yoga teacher's voices rang through my head throughout all of this- it still does "it's not necessarily about standing completely still- it's about swaying as gracefully as possible away from your center and back into it- so you always know where your center is. Our centers change. Our balance has to be re-calibrated. We have to constantly and consistently reevaluate and adjust; evolve. And loving ourselves through it all seems so easy to say but is probably the hardest part of all. But I'm learning how to do that too through these experiences.
I'd been to countless doctors and healers and therapists and specialists, only to gain temporary pain reduction and always being told to "take it easy". I always listened and followed instructions strictly, but still found my conditions not improving in the big picture. And though I found temporarily reduced pain or temporarily increased mobility, I could still feel something deep inside telling me I wasn't addressing the real issue, an actual injury that needed my help- and the help of others- to repair. My surgeons and pain doctors eventually broke the news to me that surgery is going to have to be the way to go, for my best chance at a normal life resembling the one I had before. We're taking steps toward these surgeries now; we're making plans. I'm even now finding it very hard even just to write this- having 4 areas of my spine effected by the injuries i sustained, my arms and hands, legs and feet- my wholes body, really- is still completely affected. I accept where i am and admit that this feels horrible, but guess I will write when I can. I will continue to do what i can, and NOT GIVE UP. And I will write in the best possible way I can, whatever the best version of my story can be. Even if it feels like it all sucks right now. I am going to choose to believe it is so for a reason.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to endure, but I KNOW it's been co-created in my life for a reason. And I'm keeping my eyes and ears and being open to seeing those reasons why. Right now, they appear in glimpses, in quiet moments laying in bed but listening to the sounds of the waterfall and the birds signing outside my window. Even that can be blissful on the days when I'm stuck in bed and its hard to move at all. And I'm also figuring out that I will never take my body or it's abilities for granted. I'm grateful for the days my hands have enough feeling in them to use them, or when my pain medicine actually works a bit. I'm also feeling very grateful for the small circle of people around me who love me no matter what. This has been trying on all my relationships, and some bent so far they broke- but I believe that was all meant to be as well. And I am round of and absolutely grateful to truly say I have ZERO hate anywhere inside me, towards anyone about anything that has "happened" in my life. I am eternally grateful to still be able to see the light, even just to be able to think of the light when surrounded by darkness. I can still breathe. 
I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now, and from a wider scope, at a different vantage point. I still have a goal to envision my greatest hopes clearer and eventually begin living them again, but for now, I am grateful to just be. I may not always see the work that's being done, but everyday, I'm healing somehow, or growing closer to that which /who can help me to heal and to love more. And sometimes, if all I do in a day is breathe and step outside, that is okay.
